Dad Vs. The Jonas Bros.: The Oscars, Twittered

Here's an archive of my twittered thoughts from the Oscars.

#andhereswhy Great Oscars, everybody. 'Nite.

#andhereswhy The quality of the speeches tonight was generally high.

#andhereswhy Although the kids coming up on stage is sweet.

#andhereswhy Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. It was going to happen, but I'm still dissapointed. Nice movie, but way too many deep flaws to win

#andhereswhy Nice montage of previous Best Picture winners. If you're so inclined, it's a nice meditation on the connections between stories

#andhereswhy In a year where he made "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", he still gets on the Oscars. That's power.

#andhereswhy So, I was wrong about him. Great speech from Penn.

#andhereswhy Penn seems to realize that he's been a little full of himself lately, and is appropriately self-deprecating. I approve.

#andhereswhy "You commie, homo-loving sons of guns". Sean Penn has a sense of humor again?

#andhereswhy Best Actor: Sean Penn. I love Harvey Milk so much that I'm not even mad that one of my archenemies gets to be more egotistical.

#andhereswhy Mickey Rourke looks like your friend's Dad. The one who sneaks you a case of Coors and asks where the party's at

#andhereswhy Anthony Hopkins is swaying so much he can't stay in frame. British dudes sure know how to party

#andhereswhy Quick, somebody make fun of Jude Law. See if Penn makes a b-line for Chris Rock

#andhereswhy Whenever I see Sean Penn, I can't help but scream "YOU RUINED ROBIN WRIGHT"

#andhereswhy If Frank Langella wins, they're just making up for not giving him the award for Dracula

#andhereswhy Who will Adrien Brody make out with this year? Is he young enough for Michael Douglas?

#andhereswhy Here's a game for the eternity while Winslet is talking: name a Sophia Loren movie. I DARE YOU.

#andhereswhy Best Actress: Kate Winslet. Dad: "The new Meryl Streep. I don't hate her yet".

# andhereswhy Sophia Loren sounds like she just threw a bachelor party for her frat brother

# andhereswhy Dev Patel keeps poking his head into people's shots. Hilarious.

# andhereswhy The 5 women presenting Best Actress are like a list entitled "Things Mike Hates"

#andhereswhy I totally forgot Marion Cotilliard was a thing. huh.

#andhereswhy For the first time, I've just heard the term "Green Collar Job" this is getting riDICulous.

#andhereswhy HAHA He just said DWARF! Sorry, again

#andhereswhy Boyle commits a faux paux by forgetting to thank Gandalf. Okay, I'm done.

# andhereswhy Director: Danny Boyle. This is how he must have felt when he overtook the Shire with his friends.

# andhereswhy I refuse to acknowledge Reese Witherspoon exists.

# andhereswhy Nice touch having Queen Latifah accompany the montage live, but terrible camerawork

# andhereswhy Don't know how I feel about the foreign winners being made to stumble through English versions of their speech. Are they being made fun of?

#andhereswhy Foreign Language: Departures, from Japan. Now everyone can forget about this before the DVD comes out and never see it

#andhereswhy Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto: the new Brangelina. Friam? Leida? Liamfreida?

#andhereswhy Danny Boyle loves music. He cried when Merry sang that song to Theoden

#andhereswhy Original Song: A.R. Rahman, again for "Jai Ho". Good pick, but I gave up on the academy's music tastes when they dissed "Walk Hard"

#andhereswhy My destiny is to fight Zac Efron in a field, with white flowers raining down all around us. Sadly, he'll probably win

#andhereswhy The Legend + Choir version of "Coming Down" is actually pretty sweet

# andhereswhy John Legend is a step up from the overrated Peter Gabriel, anyway

#andhereswhy Original Song. With Gabriel refusing to play, looks like they're just bleeding all three nominees into one segment

#andhereswhy Danny Boyle is physically incapable of not being excited. He even faced down the Nazgul while giggling.

#andhereswhy He is dying.

#andhereswhy Original Score: A.R. Rahman, fo Slumdog. He sure is a cute lil' guy

#andhereswhy Zac Efron and Alicia Keyes? The Disney Channel just shat a brick

#andhereswhy Musical Score. Another Frank Langella pee break

#andhereswhy Hey, a Seal sighting! I remember when I used to think he got his face scars via saving kids from a fire. Man's got a righteous publicist

#andhereswhy Good for you Jerry Lewis. Now tell Tina Fey she can't be funny because she was born with a vagina

# andhereswhy Man, Coldplay is all up on the Oscars this year. It's the soundtrack of our lives... if you happen to be a tool. Like me.

# andhereswhy Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award: Jerry Lewis

# andhereswhy "Please Welcome Academy Award Nominee Eddie Murphy"

# andhereswhy Heidi Klum's Diet Coke commercial proves that no one looks good in a hoop skirt.

# andhereswhy Film Editing: Slumdog. Well, it certainly was a movie, so... good job Film Editor who looks like Grant Morrison.

# andhereswhy Danny Boyle is just as excited about Sound Mixing as he was when he threw the one ring into the Cracks of Doom

# andhereswhy Mixing: Slumdog. I have no idea if that was good or not.

# andhereswhy Will Smith is far too charming. He must be some sort of Norse trickster

# andhereswhy Sound Editing: THE DARK KNIGHT. Hey, it's something

# andhereswhy Will Smith: "Boom Goes The Dynamite" is now hollywood shorthand for fuckup

# andhereswhy Never has 66% been so small

# andhereswhy Outstanding Visual Effects: FUUUUCCCCKKKK

# andhereswhy Outstanding Visual Effects: 2/3 are comic movies, so Button will win

# andhereswhy and that, friends, is the only time Jason Statham will ever be on the Oscars

# andhereswhy This Action Movie montage only reminds me how Speed Racer was a decent movie, and people who aren't me are d-bags

# andhereswhy It's about 3rd world children with clefts. I'm a dick.

# andhereswhy Documentary Short: Smile Pinki, a film about a talking finger. Directed by Ron Howard

# andhereswhy Man On Wire guy steals the Oscars in a couple of seconds. Nice.

# andhereswhy Documentary: Man On Wire. Now I can see the one documentary I see a year.

# andhereswhy Bill Maher plugs his movie in lieu of presenting. Asshole.

# andhereswhy Best Supporting: Heath Ledger. Anticlimactic, but had to happen

# andhereswhy Cristopher Walken's tie is super crooked, and he looks like he just got out of a VW Bus in 1974. He may be the world's greatest man.

# andhereswhy Way to get a black guy to talk about Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder. Touche, Oscars

# andhereswhy Anthony Hopkins is WASTED in the background

# andhereswhy The round of best supporting actors is less impressive than the actresses. You couldn't get somebody who wasn't in "Boat Trip"?

# andhereswhy That was actually a really great tribute to musicals. You win this round, Zac Efron!

# andhereswhy Beyonce's even singing AT LAST. This show is all about people pissing each other off

# andhereswhy Beyonce is singing with Jackman. Somewhere Etta James is strangling a male prostitute

# andhereswhy Meryl Streep's daughter is pretty, but she's spending a lot of time looking at her own cleavage

# andhereswhy apparently, it's parenthetically called "Toyland"

# andhereswhy Live-Action Short: Something James Franco couldn't pronounce, and I cannot spell

# andhereswhy Because it's Hollywood, nothing exists if Seth Rogen isn't in it

# andhereswhy Why are stoners laughing at inappropriate things hilarious

# andhereswhy this is the best sequel Pineapple Express could hope for

# andhereswhy Judd Apatow movie!

# andhereswhy Science Award run down, so Frank Langella can go pee

# andhereswhy Jessica Biel is wearing some sort of shiny trash bag.

# andhereswhy Humboldt County on the Oscars! Well, in a commercial anyway

# andhereswhy If you're going to the Oscars, you'd think you'd at least wash your hair

# andhereswhy Cinematography: Anthony Dod Mantle for Slumdog. Say what you want, that movie is at least gorgeous

# andhereswhy "you look like you work at a hassidic meth lab"

# andhereswhy First Joaquin Phoenix reference. Stiller's doing better than whoever that was at the Spirit awards last night

# andhereswhy Dad is now under the impression that any group of one or more pretty boys are Jonases.

# andhereswhy That kid from Twilight is the least charismatic man alive

# andhereswhy This guy's speech is boring, but at least it's quick

# andhereswhy Make-Up: Button. Fuck the Academy

# andhereswhy Make-Up: 2/3 are comic book movies, so Button has to win

# andhereswhy Of course the costume guy is about to cry

# andhereswhy It can't be that hard to dress Keira Knightly. Just shop in the junior miss section.

# andhereswhy Costume Design: The Duchess. Upset? Don't know, don't care.

# andhereswhy SJ Parker is about to fall out of her dress. No one wants to see that.

# andhereswhy First people they had to play off. Not bad.

# andhereswhy This guy slams producers in his speech. does not go over well

# andhereswhy Art Direction: Benjamin Button. Man, you can't give DK anything, can you

# andhereswhy Craig explains Gotham: "Chicago, through a glass, darkly". Fantastic

# andhereswhy James Bond just walked out with Skeletor. I wish they'd make that movie. Langella is available

# andhereswhy This how to make a movie thing is kind of masturbatory

# andhereswhy Kunio Kato admirably tries to do his speech in English, the ends with "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto". I love him so much

# andhereswhy Animated Short: La Maison French Word French Word.

# andhereswhy 2nd shot of Jolie. WE GET IT, SHE STOLE HER HUSBAND

# andhereswhy Philip Seymour Hoffman: already bored. Also, may be wearing a skull cap. Weird.

# andhereswhy Animated: Wall-E. Right on.

# andhereswhy Space Chimps on the Oscars. Hell hath frozen over

# andhereswhy Shot of Jolie during Aniston's presentation. Very snide, Oscar Director Man

# andhereswhy "Each year, I do a picture for Dreamworks. Then I take the money to the Oscars and bet it on Pixar"

# andhereswhy Danny Boyle looks like a Hobbit

# andhereswhy Kind of sucky, they take 10 minutes to talk about supporting actress, both screenwriting awards done in same time

# andhereswhy Adapted Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog. IT BEGINS

# andhereswhy Great speech.

# andhereswhy Screenplay: Dustin Lance Black for Milk. In Bruges got robbed, damnit

# andhereswhy Scientology burn from Fey. Cruise conspicuous by his absence

# andhereswhy Quit now. Not getting better than Fey and Martin

# andhereswhy Fun Fact: the screenplay they're "writing" looks nothing like a screenplay

# andhereswhy Only category I've seen everything in: Animated. Sad? Yes.

# andhereswhy Kate Winslet is already crying? WTF.

# andhereswhy Almodovar reference! Good girl.

# andhereswhy Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz. Deserving more for past career than performance

# andhereswhy They, of course, were not the Jonas Bros.

# andhereswhy Dad sees three youngish guys standing next to each other: "Shut the fuck up, Jonas Brothers"

# andhereswhy Haha. They screwed up the curtains already. Does Jackman have to do everything?

# andhereswhy The list of people my Dad has hated so far: Angelina Jolie, Meryl Streep

# andhereswhy "I'm Wolverine!" Best opening in years.

# andhereswhy First "Dark Knight was snubbed" reference : 4 min

# andhereswhy "that's the way I roll" sounds lamer in an Australian accent

# andhereswhy Jackman calls out Academy on it's "nominating people who play other nationalities thing"